I haven't been with someone in years, haven't found anyone that wanted to keep me, anyone I wanted to belong to.

Now...

Now there's two. One I might be in love with a little bit, a friend for as long as I can remember. But he's not mine to have. Just a little bit. I know that I'm not enough, that no one has ever been enough for the shiny boy, but ... I just can't say no, even to the little bits he'll give to me. Sometimes I wonder if that makes me weak? I can't help it.

And the other ... he's broken and beautiful and I want to wrap myself up in him. I want to kiss away the shadows from his eyes, if that's at all possible. And he might want to keep me for real. Maybe. Well, he might want to keep me around, anyways. I haven't known him that long, but I like him. A lot.

And it's all now.

I've not met anyone that made the world drop away, made me want to ... just give in, let them take me. And now there's two.

Is that even allowed?

Maybe I'm just seeing things that aren't there anyways? I don't know, really. I think I'm just going to see what happens. Maybe nothing at all.

I can't get anything more from the confusing thoughts running around my head. It's all their fault really. Entirely too distracting.

I stumbled across someone last night that I've not seen since Hogwarts. A Slytherin someone who used to hit bludgers in my direction. I didn't know Greg Goyle much at all in school, but I wish I had. He was growly and sweet and a little broken underneath all that.

I told him to drop by Papa's pub anytime ... I'm kind of hoping he does.

Checked on the shiny boy. There's still shadows in his eyes, but I think there always will be. People take parts of you with them when they go. I just hope I can help bring a little happy for him sometimes. He always seems able to make me smile ... I want to be able to do the same for him, if I can.

He gave me a silver little Whirlagig that twirls round 'n round and catches the light. I think Mummy would really like it too. Papa said me and her were just the same that way, that we both loved little shiny things. I think that's most the reason why I like them ... they make me feel close to her.

Sunday. I'm going to go see her Sunday. Then, hopefully, I'll have good Quidditch news to tell her too.

Still must unpack and clean my clothes. Dancing with Fab tomorrow night and really need that little blue dress.

Last night was exactly the reason why it's so good to be home. Went out with Angie and had an absolute blast. There was samba dancing with sombreros ... I don't think I've laughed so hard in ages. It was all kinds of fun and just what I missed about home. Laughs and friends and hugs from people I care about.

Cory came to visit and he's still stuffy and stressed about work. I think his Five Year Plan might be the death of him. Maybe I should send balloons to the Ministry? They'd brighten my day, but knowing Cory, he'd probably pop, just like one of the balloons. Maybe I'll just have to drop in over there, as dreadful as going to the Ministry sounds, just to say hi?

....

I missed Mummy. I never knew her, but the way Papa always talked about her made her real to me. All I had in Italy was a picture. The picture that goes everywhere with me, the one of Papa and Mummy before I was born, together and happy. The one where they laugh and smile at the camera, at me, but when they look at each other, it's like there's no one else in the whole world.

I have to go see her soon.

I also have to go see about a shiny boy. Make sure he hasn't dropped into a complete state of depressed and broody.

Which means I'm going to need a shower as I'm still wearing three hours of Quidditch practice.

Also, must unpack at some point and clean my clothes, otherwise I'll have none to wear.

We're home! Me and Kaiya and Pea. I never knew how much I'd miss the dreary rainclouds. Italy is full of pretties, but a full time Quidditch schedule didn't really leave much time to enjoy them. I think it mostly just made us all sick for home.

I missed everyone. That's the worst part, not having people, your people. At least I had the monster puppies, though I think they may be more excited to be back than me. Pea's doing the playtime dance. I'm going to take her and Kaiya down to the beach, my very own British beach.